I stood there in my storage room paralyzed. Just staring. Unable to move.
“Todd, I don’t want to do this,” I said, “let’s be done.” Todd responded with a hug and kiss. It’s his version of telling me, “He’s got me.” I guess it’s what I needed to hear. Like a pat on the butt to hurry along. I responded with “ok, let’s get this process started.”
This process, ugh, is the process of packing up the house that I have called home for twenty years. It’s the only place Jake remembers living and the place where Ethan was born. It’s my home, it’s my heart, and what I was feeling in that moment, also my hurt.
Hurt because deep down in my mind, I’m once again, not ready to let go.
You see, we were in this same spot a little over two years ago. It was time for Todd and I to start fresh, to create something of our own. So, we put our house on the market and within weeks we had our house sold. We didn’t know where we were going, but we were ready to find something new.
Until we didn’t find something.
And until we weren’t ready.
Or until I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready.
You see, after my divorce, the walls of this house changed. These walls took on a form of sadness, heartache, and pain. But as we started the process of preparing for the move two years ago, the walls of my house began to change. Beautiful memories were unearthed that had been hidden behind pain. Memories of my children growing up. I would find myself walking from room to room recalling moment after moment of baby years, toddlers, grade school, teen years. These little guys came back to life in my head so clearly. The memories would play in my head like a movie reel. Over and over again.
For that entire month and a half of recounting the memories, I cried. I sobbed. I grieved.
I couldn’t let this place go.
So, we didn’t. We didn’t sell the house. We didn’t move. There was one final out for us after the inspection came back and we took it. We purposely scared the buyers away so we could stay.
Fast forward. Today, we are in the exact same spot. We had once again come to the decision that it was time to build our home to together. And here we are. Our house is sold, and we don’t know where we are going (future blog). Only this time, we don’t have an out. This deal is done.
It took me about five seconds of clearing stuff off the dusty white shelf in my storeroom to discover that the process of packing was going to be so much more than filling up boxes with all of our stuff. It is going to be about discarding…not just junk that we had been accumulating…but the things I had been carrying too long. It is going to be about discovery…not just things that I had completely forgotten I had…but beautiful memories and wisdom lurking in my walls. And it’s going to be about letting go…not just of things I don’t want to part with…but of chapters of my life I want to so desperately to hang on to.
I discovered that in the midst of our packing, I will be unPacking life.
And I want to take you with me on that journey.
God has already revealed to me that there are lessons about life to be had in this process. Not just for me, but for you too. He’s shown me that this process is no longer going to be about hurting, but about healing. And in typical God fashion, he’s got a whole lot of metaphorical wisdom buried in my stuff. I’m planning to share that all with you over the coming months.
As I pack up, we are going to unPack our lives together.
Let’s get this process started…you in?